my alma mater

i graduated as one of the nursing pioneers in a small college in our province. and since it was the first batch, i tell you it was not that easy to finish the course, beside that nursing is one of the most demanding courses one can take, being a pioneer batch means more stress and expectations. i can boldly say we were truly narrowed down to the best. our performance in the board exam proved that the few of us who graduated were really the cream of the crop. we got 95% passing rate.

that small college is now a university. the nursing college who only had 52 graduates then now has more than thousands of nursing students enrolled in it.

today, i am teaching as a clinical instructor in that college. until when?.....that, i cannot answer now...

i was not a very "ideal" student then. i mean, not that very studious, not very industrious, too. but i have the brains to finish the course. my grades were not that bad. there were semesters i made it to the dean's list. have no grade of 3 either or 5. but i was a not a cum laude or that type. but i can say, in fairness, i performed good enough academically.

now, after that very long introduction, where is this leading?

i feel sad for my college....why?....being there, knowing and seeing the things going on around there... i feel UNFILLED.

when you are a "panganay" (oldest kid in a family), there is this feeling that you feel like you need to protect the family you belong to. As a Clinical Instructor, i'd been through many rough times especially when it comes to being accepted by some of my colleagues. I felt trapped in a box they made for me. That despite the perseverance to do more than what is indicated in my job description, not only for the patients my students and I will be serving in the area where they are to have their duty, and for the student nurses i am supposed to share my knowledge and skills, and because i wanted to work more smartly and creatively, and for MY ALMA MATER, those who are supposed to acknowledge that were very busy looking at the flaws and the -made-up flaws they sticked to my name, to their heart's content.

I am not perfect. but i am not as bad as they are making me look. if it is not only inhuman to point fingers to others who do worst things, although it was tempting, i will never do it. i am facing my own music. They will have to carry their own guilt in the end.

To my alma mater, I have served you as your own child would, because i will forever be grateful to you. I hope, someday, I can serve you more, despite the hindrances, and despite the insecurities that others have that led them to make my life miserable while serving you. They laugh because they think i am different, they didn't know i laugh so much harder because they are all the same, doing ordinary things that bear ordinary and rotten fruits also. However, it makes me feel sad because that's what they can only offer you, my alma mater. And if they think i feel miserable because of all the lies they have created, they are very wrong. I see it as the other way around. Because if they did not really care and are never bothered about my existence, how come they are so busy doing all those craps just to make me miserable as they please? I think i am the one making their lives miserable, juts because I am being me, merely because of my existence that all they want to do is to get rid of me and make me look so bad to others. And they think they are so intelligent? Because while they are busy making me look so ugly to others, their noses get longer, their wrinkles show, their bodies expand more and more, especially their hips (",).....i get sexier, more glowing, i feel FABULOUS! I WILL SERVE YOU, MY ALMA MATER, EVEN IF I AM NOT THERE WITH YOU, I WILL SERVE YOU IN MY OWN LITTLE WAYS. UNTIL I FILL YOU. AND UNTIL I FILL MYSELF.